Today, I had just finished eating lunch with The Pegs when I felt a mild stomachache - nothing too serious, so I went to the loo with a good book and allowed nature to take its course.
However after about 10minutes, nothing was happening and the pain was gradually getting worse so I tried the trusty old "rocking chair" method of encouraging things along. Unfortunately no luck and no amount of deep breathing would coax that turtlehead out of its shell and the buildup behind the initial brick was forcing more pressure on important and mysterious bits causing even more waves of discomfort.
Crunch time came when I found my muscles cramping up and my hands and feet getting numb with spouts of unbelievable pins and needles - this definitely wasn't normal so I had to bite the bullet, knuckle down and start pushing.
Men, I'm speaking to every last one of you clueless monkeys on this planet. When your woman is borning your children unto this world. You had better make sure you're there to hold her hand and help her through the whole thing. I damn near saw twinkly stars, angels, and a bright white light at the end of a tunnel while going through my ordeal, and my blockage turned out to be the size of a peanut. God-fricken knows how women push out something the size of a watermelon. I know its a different exit path, but its not THAT much bigger!
After everything had finally flushed out, I could barely see clearly and my legs and hands were still numb, so we went to see the doctor. After I described my situation he asked if I've been nervous about anything lately and whether I've been going through any stress. Lets see; I had just got 97% in my Chinese test that morning, my girlfriend was spending a lazy day watching movies with me and I woulda had a late 5pm start at work today (had I not already phoned in sick). I told him I had no real worries as he brought out a small plastic bag and told me about the body's natural pH balance between how much oxygen you breath in and CO2 you breath out...
Turns out I had managed to hyperventilate myself trying to squeeze out a dooky. I didn't even know that was possible.
Moral of the story?
Eat more fibre.
Have a nice day! =D